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White is the new Gold

Being a well traveled man affords you times and lessons that are unavailable those who choose not to roam the world. And if you are blessed with decent looks and caucasion skin, the world is your sexual buffet.  For example, last night at the bar my friend, who we will call FRESHPIECE # 1, walks up to a middle aged argentine hottie who cannot speak a word of english. Freshpiece could not speak spanish, and somehow they had a unilingual connection that led to  vicious makeout session and a public handjob infront of 300 people. Now i know what your thinking, " The girl was a whore, they were drunk, and thats what people do,". But here is something is to say about the well traveled american bravado. How, in the past three weeks, did three semi good looking americans with acumilative spainish vocablary, that would struggle to get guacamole, peel four spanish woman, ravage every hole possible, and light one of the biggest city on fire? There are two possible answers that led to this outcome. One , being white and american is still the thing to be.........or no matter where you are in the world, we all look at the same moon, and the moon is looking back at a world filled with superficial whores!

Bitches Eat Jizz!!!!

Wanna know why I never called you back?

Cuz you suck dick like an 8th grader.

Practice makes perfect, and keep your teeth out of this cuz this is between me and you only.  And if I ever see you spit my perfectly fermented and aged single malt cum into the sink again you will be bukkaked in your sleep.

Invent This Shit

Pills to make your cum taste like pina colada or strawberry daquiri or hershey's syrup, girls give less head once they reach college, so they need more incentive to start sucking dick than salty, thick gooey cock-sauce, they'd rather lick their mucus off a tissue, I can't be bothered to chug pineapple juice and eat celery all the time, make me a fuckin pill so my dick-shake makes bitches want seconds, cuz I got two balls and one blow-job is never enough.

Don't Miss Out on Pussy Cuz of the Name Game

If you're talking to/making out with/or getting a suckjob from some bitch and she looks you in the eye and pulls the "do you even know my name?" card, don't freak out and miss out on beating those guts up, here's what you do:

If you are around other people that know her, give her a hug and mouth to someone across the room "what's this cunt's name?"

If someone who doesn't know her is around, introduce them and you will get her name.

If you're alone and you're afraid she'll ask that looming question, you have 2 options:
-How do you spell your name?
-Do you have a nickname?
To which she says yes, and tells you, then you call her by that, if she says no, you say "then what do your friends call you?"

Then you're in there like swim-wear, unless your game sucks which it probably does.

NO CUNTRY FOR OLD MEN

I just took a shit of pure concentrated evil. It smelled worse than snotty hooker pussy and i usually love the smell of my own shit. Dane Cook is a tool, his reality show 'TOURGASM' was not funny at all and exposed him for the turdbiscuit he really is. I look at the left over room service we destroyed this morning and there is no fucking way that made my shit smell so heinous.  Maybe this has to do with when i decided to stuff a clump of coke claymation up my nose when it melted in my manny pack (I had to dig it out of my pubes). i'd carry a purse if it wasn't considered gay. all the good shorts don't come with pockets. douche-bags left me alone at the club with prude argentine bitch who's cockblock friend stared at me like i was an alien from planet Gonorrhea. After walking through the ghetto alone to try and get some sausage (no homo) i settled for what tasted like melted hotdog out of a formaldehyde jar. all this to come home and find out my friend had the privilege of fucking a squirter... she probably just pissed on his nuts. adios

Nanny 911

I blacked out and came to fucking my friends 27 year old ex-babysitter in the sheraton public bathroom, she was riding me in the stall, I kept taking my cock out for her to suck her liter o' puss juice off and stickin it back in, she gave me a female ejaculate ballcuzzi, she was squirting with such ferocity it could have broken up a riot like a fire hose, my balls were dripping so intensely, the janitor probly slipped on her sludge this morning and broke his fucking neck, her pussy was like the spitting dinosaur from Jurassic Park, I felt like my balls were being pissed on, and they probly were at some point, then I moved to doggystyle in the middle of the bathroom, I said fuck the stall, anyone could have walked in and gotten super-soaked in the face, ovary temperature jizz was being sprayed out for at least 20min straight, she definitely needed a gatorade afterward cuz her electrolytes were soaked up in my pubes.

Revenge

I had fo' dollas on the bar at the strip club and this ugly bitch comes over and distracts me with her tits and puckers her pussy lips over my 4 stacked $1 bills and clamps them between her pastrami drapes, then snuck away, I wanted to slit her throat and fuck the hole, but there were too many bouncers and mirrors and shit, so I did the sensible thing. Got her to lean over and I put my gum in her hair literally ... GOTCHA BITCH!!!!

Why did I Make Out With That Hooker?

I don't know, she was hot, really hot, but it was super unacceptable, she was a good kisser, but she was also good at sucking my friends dick 2 seconds before that, wow I just plain wasn't even that drunk.  People just desire to be desired, so even when a hooker has a load of cum in her mouth a kiss still can warm my heart. This girl... i mean hooker was special, i didn't even remember to inform her that she did indeed have a father.  I don't know what is happening to me, i'm in a foreign country, so i promise what ever happens here goes on the blog. no homo peace

STD's Thing of the Past?

Yes... they are. This is the most serious and sincere post this site will ever have; believe it or not I actually came up with the perfect STD prevention, keeps you hard and your main squeeze in the mood. This is not for one night stands and should be attempted relatively sober, as it only needs to happen once, cuz everyone knows that only poor people have sex sober. K, here it goes guys and gals, but this is to you guys:

After you have been bangin yo bitch a few times, and are really starting to get over the whole rubber cock-desensitizer thing, look her in the eyes right before you're about to launch your Meat Missile into Poondanistan and say "Do you trust me enough to stop using these things?"

She will either say "Ya beat my guts raw!" or "I'm not comfortable yet can we please keep using them."

The former meaning of course... "I'm clean, sans HPV, but who cares."

The latter meaning either "I have Super-AIDS, yes the airborne kind." or "I don't want to risk it with your scummy ass."

Because the latter answer is ambiguous, you assume she doesn't trust you yet and you remain hard, she remains in the mood because she trusts you.

Best line ever, therefore you are good 2 go my comrade, happy strokin.

p.s. we know the cure to AIDS: 6 Packets of Emergen-C and 2 Bottles of Jack

Moving Out

Helping a friend move sucks... really bad. You hate every minute of lifting every pound and usually end up sitting down pretending you rolled your ankle and drink some kinda new belgium while watching him work.

Moving this blonde McFag out of our house on the other hand, was one of the greater joys of my life. Lifting every pound was like weight off my shoulders, by the end of the move I had to change my boxers, we literally threw a going away party once he left.

This fucking McFag would sit in his room listening to his tears pitter patter on his carpet on beat to Coldplay over his ex-girlfriend, that was a stripper at the most dilapidated strip club I've ever had the displeasure of walking into, it was called the Bus Stop. The strippers all had meth scars and kids with meth scars. So to say the least his ex-girlfriend was an atrocious looking bitch with meth scars.  They were both addicted to oxycontin and being emo, the kid let his fish die cuz he spent money on OC's instead of a new heater for his tank.
This Aaron Carter looking, Ultimate Frisbee playing faggot just had to go, and we have never been happier.  It was worth him moving in and sucking for a month just to have the satisfaction of him leaving.

Bounty Could Pick Things Up a Little Quicker in my Opinion

Alright fo' real this has got to stop.  What is it with the current popularity of being too drunk to take your tampon out properly and having your bloody pussy-egg-nog and cervix-juice be thinned out by your alcohol consumption resulting in "the shining" pouring out of your axe-wound onto my brand new bathroom mat... and how the fuck did you leave a stain on a black rug you grimey bitch?!?!?!? 

P.S. that was round 2, either learn how to bleed, or stop eating and get fuckin  amenhhorea so your period doesn't leave an exclamation point in my fuckin bathroom dumb BITCH.

If...

If I had Eli's dick for a day, I Would run up a higher STD tab than Jompso's mom's credit card in vegas... then give it back to him, no homo.

If you are fucking a prostitute you have to remind her of that fact that she does indeed have a dad.

If you are dating an anorexic girl, and you find out that she is fa sho anorexic, you should help her out by putting her on a strict jizz diet, she will appreciate it and so will you (win win muthafucka).

If a girl's giving you a suckjob and asks you to tell her when you are going to cum, don't (duh), but also make sure she's not minding the stepchildren at the time cuz she will feel your balls tense up and your extravagant plan of making her choke on your jizz and cough it out through her nose will be foiled.

Poor People

Ewwww... Don't touch me

Girls who don't know when to stop texting

SHUT THE FUCK UP... IF YOUR NOT FIGURING OUT OUR NEXT FUCK SESSION, SHUT YOUR STUPID DIGITAL FUCKIN MOUTH. ITS 2008 GET A FUCKING BLACKBERRY I'M OVER TEXING BBM IS THE WAY OF THE FUTURE. SKANKS.

Random Thoughts

What percentage of housekeepers do anal?

I wonder if herpes-dick or wartty-dick feel better for a girl than clean-dick, cuz its like those dotted and ribbed-for-her-pleasure condoms except that you feel the real thing, I mean granted you're getting infected with nastiness, but on the plus side it probly adds to the pleasure level in the heat of the moment.

The Great Escape vs. 10,000 B.C.

The Great Escape: Watching this movie was like a three hour blowjob from Heather iDeepthroat.  10,000 B.C: was like a 2 hour suckjob from Predator; aside from being off on the Pyramids by 7,000 years, and the annoying pointless translating that went on throughout the whole fucking thing; I'd rather watch an Aids patient rape my girlfriend. I've never seen so much violence with so little blood. It was like watching porn with no cumshot. It reminded me of  Cinemax porn (ie. same quality acting, storyline, and special effects).  But no, they wouldn't even throw in some titties or a nice ass to spice it up, just a bunch of neanderthal uglies speaking fucking english, but yet calling guys on horses "4 legged demons," MUTHAFUCKA if you can speak english you can call shit by its fucking name. 

Man Laws

No cumming on your best friend's wife's face... only neck and below... seriously 

Going Green

Latex is one of the most harmful pollutants known to man, and takes over a bajillion years to bio-degrade. HOW DARE YOU RAVAGE OUR DELICATE ECO-SYSTEM WITH YOUR CONTINUED USE OF CONDOMS... IT'S JUST PLAIN IRRESPONSIBLE.

Join the fight to save our environment.

What if she gets pregnant?

Thanks for asking, this brings us to another valuable going green motto...

GO GREEN...EAT YOUR BABIES

you can also make a necklace out of their baby bones, it's what the native americans would have wanted if they were still with us today.

Unacceptable Behavior

After being given the kind courtesy of having your stinkbox ravaged by my purple headed yogurt slinger, and then having my cocksauce politely sprayed all over your stomach. HOW DARE YOU HAVE THE FUCKING AUDACITY TO PULL THE ROLL-OVER MOVE, THUS USING MY COMFORTER AS YOUR CUM-RAG TO WIPE MY BABY JUICE OFF YOUR PROBABLY MEDIOCRE BODY.

--This fucking guy was at the Sheraton Buenos Aires pool clipping his fucking nails!!!! 

'chu fuckeeng keeding mee mane??  do that shit in your room, I'd rather walk on rusty nails and hot bloody glass than THAT GUY's dried booger covered nail clippings

Seriously C'mon

To all the bitches of the world: wax and bleach your asshole it's fucking 2008! c'mon already, when I'm hittin it from the back I don't want to see that buttstache it makes my uncovered cock soft.

Dates is Wack

seriously... they're whack

Especially long distance, get over your fucking girlfriend, you're not marrying her and if you do you're a fag, and she's swallowing another dudes love-sauce as we're writing this, plus that HPV he gave her is gunna make her die from cervical cancer before your kids grow up so you're raising your emo faggot son on your own, good luck asshole.  And tuition's a bitch too that $.75 to your dollar she would have made before she died from bitch-disease would've helped at least a little, so off to public school for your gay son where he's gunna get beat up for sucking.

Moral of the story:

Fuck her three times, throw her the peace sign.